What to Consider When Someone Loses a Pet

Grieving pet owners may appreciate words of comfort, but these animal lovers say that some sentiments are more welcome than others.  

When someone’s pet passes away, what should we say? Or maybe the better question is, what shouldn’t we say? 

Ideally, we want our expressions of sympathy to bring real comfort to the grieving pet owner. At the same time, we hope to avoid clumsy condolences that may be inadvertently painful.  

When my Labrador retriever Matilda passed, I was fortunate to have received only kind sentiments from others. I was surrounded by fellow animal lovers who understood that losing a pet is as painful as losing any family member, so I suppose it’s not surprising. 

However, when a friend lost her beloved cat, she posted an unsettling anecdote on Facebook that got me thinking more deeply about pet condolences. Immediately after the burial, her father remarked, “Well, I’m glad it wasn’t my cat.”
Not the most comforting thing to say. 

It prompted me to speak with fellow pet owners who’d lost an animal companion about how others reacted to their bereavement, and how those reactions were received. 

​Some of what they shared went beyond the commonplace “what to say to a grieving pet owner” advice. They showed me that the kindest condolences are mindful of potentially insensitive mis-steps, perhaps as much as (or more than) merely offering pretty words.

The following are their most stand-out pieces of advice:


It's time to Retire the Rainbow Bridge
What is it? 
The identity of the author of Rainbow Bridge – a piece of writing sometimes referred to as “the Rainbow Bridge poem”  – is unclear. The piece begins,
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

The piece goes on to imagine the pet’s afterlife and its eventual spiritual reunion with its owner. 
The Rainbow Bridge story is commonly shared with grieving pet owners by well-meaning friends and family members, and it’s likely been a comfort to some. However, others feel it’s time to put “Rainbow Bridge” to rest.  

What Pet Owners are Saying

• Its time has passed. “The Rainbow Bridge story has been around for a long time. I think anyone who has a pet is familiar with it and doesn’t need it sent to them,” says Maureen W. in Canada. “I like the idea of it, but not when my pet has just died. I find no comfort in it. The number of people who send it staggers me.”

 

• Some people actually dislike it. One writer at Dogster admitted to a dislike of Rainbow Bridge, saying, “I always feel a little ashamed of how uncomfortable the Rainbow Bridge makes me feel, as if I’m admitting a cold-heartedness at the center of my being, or trying to destroy other people’s happiness. I’m not. When others are in grief or distress, I want them to use whatever they have to to get through the day. What I’m asking is that you simply listen when I say that it doesn’t do the same thing for me, and realize that there are others just like me.”
• Let them find it on their own (it’s everywhere). Austin Cannon at DailyPaws points out that, “Each person grieves in their own way, so the rainbow bridge poem might not help someone who's going through immense loss. Use your best judgement when you think about sending the rainbow bridge poem to a friend or family member. It might be best for them to find the poem on their own.”

Celebrate the Individual
Pets have personalities, endearing traits and individual quirks that make them memorable – just like people. 
Many pet owners appreciate condolences that specifically acknowledge the uniqueness of their fur-baby. 

• Personal remembrances and affirmations of particular characteristics make condolences ring sincere. 
• Additionally, most pet owners will likely be touched that their pet was “seen” – that what they loved about their companion was also celebrated by others. 

“If someone said to me, ‘I’m so sorry you lost Daisy, she was such a sweet dog,’ I’d appreciate that because they knew her. They saw her sweetness,” says Patricia F. in New Jersey. “I liked hearing other people share silly stories of their own about my dog. It helped me remember the happy times, not the sad ones.” 

​Veterinary Practices Take Note
Among the pet owners I spoke with, this kind of personal acknowledgment was also appreciated from veterinarians and staff. It could be a simple as using the pet’s name, or recalling a funny anecdote about how the pet behaved in the office, such as being comically friendly with other pets in the waiting room, or having exemplary composure during examinations. 


Respect the Spectrum of Beliefs
Belief systems surrounding death are manifold. Some are connected to religion – and there are upwards of 4,000 different religions in the world. Many people who don’t subscribe to a particular religion consider themselves “spiritual” and have unique opinions about an afterlife, or a lack of one. 
For many, spiritual beliefs are a source of comfort, so it feels natural to speak from that place when someone is grieving. However, we can’t always know when our words might make a mourning pet owner feel uneasy. 

Love is Universal
Given the wide spectrum of beliefs, some pet owners would prefer that messages of sympathy remain focused on a more universal understanding of love and loss, rather than religious sentiment. This issue came up several times in my interviews with pet owners, but it’s seldom talked about.

Stopping to Think
Often we don’t recognize when our words may contain religious undertones. 

• For example, I’ve heard it expressed that a deceased pet had become the owner’s guardian angel, with sentiments like, “He’s watching over you now from Heaven”.
• Caroline G. in Louisiana calls such condolences “trite”. She makes the point, “What if the person spoken to isn’t Christian and doesn’t believe in Heaven or angels?”
• The same might be said of, “She’s in a better place now,” which presumes that the pet owner believes in an afterlife. 

Fortunately, most people understand that our condolences are well-meant, however we express them. But it can’t hurt to cultivate an awareness of where our words come from and how they may be received. 

A Favorite Phrase
Among the pet owners I interviewed, one phrase was a hit across the board: “You gave him a good life.” It keeps the focus away from an afterlife and celebrates the life shared by the pet and its owner. 


Refrain From Sharing Your Story
When a friend is mourning the loss of a pet, we may feel compelled to share our own experience of pet grief. Maybe it’s because we want them to feel less alone with their heartache. However, this approach felt uncomfortable to some of the pet owners I spoke with. 

• It’s not a contest. “They may mean well, but it almost feels like they’re turning it into a competition for whose pet death was more traumatic,” said Joann R. from Pennsylvania.  
• Make space for their feelings. “Don’t tell me how your pet loss story is so much worse than mine,” said Pati G. in New Jersey. “It will make me resentful that I’m not allowed to feel my feelings.”
• It’s about them. Writing for PawCulture, Jeanette Hurt advised, “If your sharing takes the spotlight off the person who’s grieving, don’t share it. Return the focus back to the person who’s grieving, not your own experiences.”

Avoid Discussing a “Replacement Pet”
Everyone’s Different
A bereft pet owner may eventually welcome another animal into their home, but they might not be ready to talk about it. 
“There are no rules when and if you do get another animal,” said Eve M. in Oregon. “For some people the next day is the right day. I don't judge anyone on that.”
People grieve very differently. For some, a new pet can heal the loss of the old one. Others need more time to mourn. 
Kiri B. in New York shared, “I was very, very attached to my cat of seventeen years. After she passed, my boyfriend at the time said the dreaded, ‘You can always get another cat’. That’s the worst thing to say.”
They’re Irreplaceable
Prematurely suggesting to a grieving pet owner that they should get a “replacement pet” can be seen as disrespectful. For some, it hints that the pet who passed was insignificant and easily replaceable. 
Yes, it’s a Big Deal
“The worst is someone minimizing (the loss) in some way, as if animal companions aren’t worthy of full mourning,” says Caroline G. 


Tread Carefully on Social Media
Photos can be painful. “I had a well-meaning friend paste her photos of the dog I was grieving all over my (Facebook) timeline. It wasn’t helpful to me and made it more painful,” shared Dionne W. from Delaware. 

An avalanche of comments may be unwelcome. “I posted my pet’s photo on Facebook and all of the comments were appreciated,” said Maureen W. in Canada. “But I don’t think anyone should post pictures of someone else’s dead pet on Facebook. It’s weird. And if you tag them, their timeline blows up with the comments, and that may not be cool with them.”

Is it support, of “hijacking grief”? Dionne in Delaware made a point similar to Pati’s about sharing another’s grief. “So often people hijack other people’s grief in an attempt to be supporting – whether animal or human. I prefer to grieve quietly, and I find the performative ways of grieving too jarring. I also recognize that others are different and want different things. I think people should do a better job of taking their cues from the bereaved in terms of what is helpful to them.”

Caring Words
    If you’re looking for sensitive condolences to offer either verbally or in a pet bereavement card, here are a few to choose from. Use the pet’s name whenever possible. 

• You gave [name] a good life.
• You and [name] were lucky to have one another.
• I hope your memories of [name] will help ease the pain of his/her loss. 
• Please accept my deepest sympathies for the loss of [name].
• No words can truly heal your heartbreak, but please know that I’m here for you.
• My heart goes out to you for the loss of [name].
• You are fortunate to have known such unconditional love.
• I wish you comfort and peace at this difficult time. 
• I will never forget [name]. I’m so sorry for your loss. 
• Losing a best friend is never easy. I’m sorry for your loss. 
• [Name] is irreplaceable. I’m sorry for your loss.
• I know that losing pet is very difficult. I’m sorry for your loss.
• I know that [name] gave so much joy to your life. I’m sorry for your loss.  

Getting Help 
If you or someone you know would like to process the loss of a beloved animal companion with a counseling professional, the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (APLB) can help. They offer:

• Chat Rooms
• Support Groups
• A list of pet bereavement hotlines

Visit APLB.org.
For legions of animal lovers, pet bereavement is neither easy nor fleeting. However, when our condolences can’t soften the blow of losing a pet, we can sidestep adding insult to injury with our carefully chosen words – and that’s a loving choice indeed.

CONTENT WRITER, BARKTIQUE + MEOW

Kim Brittingham

Kim Brittingham is a content writer for Barktique + Meow, animal lover, and history buff residing at the Jersey Shore. She is the author of Read My Hips (Three Rivers Press/Random House, 2011) and Write That Memoir Right Now (Blackstone, 2013). She's a willing servant to a rescued miniature poodle named Clarice.