 I was told my dog Tillie had three weeks to live, tops. I was devastated. She hadn’t always lived with kind people, so I wanted her to go to her final rest knowing what it was to be loved. I put my heartache aside and focused on her happiness. Being a Labrador retriever, there was nothing – nothing – she loved more than chasing a tennis ball. After learning her days were numbered, I vowed to take her to the park to play every single day. And I did. But one day, weather got in the way. During a torrential rain storm, I called a local pet training facility and asked if I could rent a room for two hours. I explained why and they were quick to agree. While the rain drummed against the windows, Tillie bounded about the wide, gym-like room, lost in the ecstasy only a dog with a ball can know. Naturally we want our pet’s last days to be as happy and comfortable as possible. Here are 5 doting ways you can see your animal friend to the other side. But First… Check with your vet to see what, if anything, could make your pet uncomfortable. For example, long walks or extended play could cause pain, as could certain foods. People, Places and Things
No-Holds-Barred Pampering If there was ever a time to spoil your pet rotten, this is it.
Along for the Ride. If you have a dog who loves being in the car, take them along for the ride as often as possible – and roll the widow down enough for them to stick out that happy head and relish the breeze.
We can’t keep them forever, and it stinks. Big time. But we can keep them as comfortable as possible, and even keep them happy through their final days. With every little thing we do, they understand – in their own way – that they are loved. CONTENT WRITER, BARKTIQUE + MEOW
Kim BrittinghamKim Brittingham is a content writer for Barktique + Meow, animal lover, and history buff residing at the Jersey Shore. She is the author of Read My Hips (Three Rivers Press/Random House, 2011) and Write That Memoir Right Now (Blackstone, 2013). She's a willing servant to a rescued miniature poodle named Clarice.
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 Grieving pet owners may appreciate words of comfort, but these animal lovers say that some sentiments are more welcome than others. When someone’s pet passes away, what should we say? Or maybe the better question is, what shouldn’t we say? Ideally, we want our expressions of sympathy to bring real comfort to the grieving pet owner. At the same time, we hope to avoid clumsy condolences that may be inadvertently painful. When my Labrador retriever Matilda passed, I was fortunate to have received only kind sentiments from others. I was surrounded by fellow animal lovers who understood that losing a pet is as painful as losing any family member, so I suppose it’s not surprising. However, when a friend lost her beloved cat, she posted an unsettling anecdote on Facebook that got me thinking more deeply about pet condolences. Immediately after the burial, her father remarked, “Well, I’m glad it wasn’t my cat.” Not the most comforting thing to say. It prompted me to speak with fellow pet owners who’d lost an animal companion about how others reacted to their bereavement, and how those reactions were received. Some of what they shared went beyond the commonplace “what to say to a grieving pet owner” advice. They showed me that the kindest condolences are mindful of potentially insensitive mis-steps, perhaps as much as (or more than) merely offering pretty words. The following are their most stand-out pieces of advice: It's time to Retire the Rainbow Bridge What is it? The identity of the author of Rainbow Bridge – a piece of writing sometimes referred to as “the Rainbow Bridge poem” – is unclear. The piece begins, Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. The piece goes on to imagine the pet’s afterlife and its eventual spiritual reunion with its owner. The Rainbow Bridge story is commonly shared with grieving pet owners by well-meaning friends and family members, and it’s likely been a comfort to some. However, others feel it’s time to put “Rainbow Bridge” to rest. What Pet Owners are Saying
Celebrate the Individual Pets have personalities, endearing traits and individual quirks that make them memorable – just like people. Many pet owners appreciate condolences that specifically acknowledge the uniqueness of their fur-baby.
Veterinary Practices Take Note Among the pet owners I spoke with, this kind of personal acknowledgment was also appreciated from veterinarians and staff. It could be a simple as using the pet’s name, or recalling a funny anecdote about how the pet behaved in the office, such as being comically friendly with other pets in the waiting room, or having exemplary composure during examinations. Respect the Spectrum of Beliefs Belief systems surrounding death are manifold. Some are connected to religion – and there are upwards of 4,000 different religions in the world. Many people who don’t subscribe to a particular religion consider themselves “spiritual” and have unique opinions about an afterlife, or a lack of one. For many, spiritual beliefs are a source of comfort, so it feels natural to speak from that place when someone is grieving. However, we can’t always know when our words might make a mourning pet owner feel uneasy. Love is Universal Given the wide spectrum of beliefs, some pet owners would prefer that messages of sympathy remain focused on a more universal understanding of love and loss, rather than religious sentiment. This issue came up several times in my interviews with pet owners, but it’s seldom talked about. Stopping to Think Often we don’t recognize when our words may contain religious undertones.
A Favorite Phrase Among the pet owners I interviewed, one phrase was a hit across the board: “You gave him a good life.” It keeps the focus away from an afterlife and celebrates the life shared by the pet and its owner. Refrain From Sharing Your Story When a friend is mourning the loss of a pet, we may feel compelled to share our own experience of pet grief. Maybe it’s because we want them to feel less alone with their heartache. However, this approach felt uncomfortable to some of the pet owners I spoke with.
Avoid Discussing a “Replacement Pet” Everyone’s Different A bereft pet owner may eventually welcome another animal into their home, but they might not be ready to talk about it. “There are no rules when and if you do get another animal,” said Eve M. in Oregon. “For some people the next day is the right day. I don't judge anyone on that.” People grieve very differently. For some, a new pet can heal the loss of the old one. Others need more time to mourn. Kiri B. in New York shared, “I was very, very attached to my cat of seventeen years. After she passed, my boyfriend at the time said the dreaded, ‘You can always get another cat’. That’s the worst thing to say.” They’re Irreplaceable Prematurely suggesting to a grieving pet owner that they should get a “replacement pet” can be seen as disrespectful. For some, it hints that the pet who passed was insignificant and easily replaceable. Yes, it’s a Big Deal “The worst is someone minimizing (the loss) in some way, as if animal companions aren’t worthy of full mourning,” says Caroline G. Tread Carefully on Social Media Photos can be painful. “I had a well-meaning friend paste her photos of the dog I was grieving all over my (Facebook) timeline. It wasn’t helpful to me and made it more painful,” shared Dionne W. from Delaware. An avalanche of comments may be unwelcome. “I posted my pet’s photo on Facebook and all of the comments were appreciated,” said Maureen W. in Canada. “But I don’t think anyone should post pictures of someone else’s dead pet on Facebook. It’s weird. And if you tag them, their timeline blows up with the comments, and that may not be cool with them.” Is it support, of “hijacking grief”? Dionne in Delaware made a point similar to Pati’s about sharing another’s grief. “So often people hijack other people’s grief in an attempt to be supporting – whether animal or human. I prefer to grieve quietly, and I find the performative ways of grieving too jarring. I also recognize that others are different and want different things. I think people should do a better job of taking their cues from the bereaved in terms of what is helpful to them.” Caring Words If you’re looking for sensitive condolences to offer either verbally or in a pet bereavement card, here are a few to choose from. Use the pet’s name whenever possible.
Getting Help If you or someone you know would like to process the loss of a beloved animal companion with a counseling professional, the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (APLB) can help. They offer:
Visit APLB.org. For legions of animal lovers, pet bereavement is neither easy nor fleeting. However, when our condolences can’t soften the blow of losing a pet, we can sidestep adding insult to injury with our carefully chosen words – and that’s a loving choice indeed. CONTENT WRITER, BARKTIQUE + MEOW
Kim BrittinghamKim Brittingham is a content writer for Barktique + Meow, animal lover, and history buff residing at the Jersey Shore. She is the author of Read My Hips (Three Rivers Press/Random House, 2011) and Write That Memoir Right Now (Blackstone, 2013). She's a willing servant to a rescued miniature poodle named Clarice.  |
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