​In my community, a sweet Yorkie is now an orphan. She’s in our local animal shelter until a new home can be found for her. Her owner passed away unexpectedly and left no instructions for her dog’s continuing care.

This happened just a few days before I dog-sat for my good friends who went to an out-of-state wedding. At the last minute, they left a scribbled note on the kitchen counter, “To whom it may concern,” specifying their wishes for their dogs should they both die.

It got me thinking about the importance of estate planning for our pets. We go to great lengths to keep our animal companions healthy and happy. Yet many of us fail to consider their welfare if they outlive us. Do we really want our beloved companions landing in a shelter, trembling in apprehension and confusion? Do we want their comfort and sense of security compromised as the people around them – compassionate though they may be – struggle to understand our pet’s cues, quirks, and history?

It’s not fun to think about dying. But it’s also not fun imagining an uncertain future for our pets. Fortunately, we won’t have to do either for long. With a few simple steps, we can protect our pet’s future, and then get on with the joy of sharing a life with them.
Laws pertaining to pets and estate planning vary from state to state, so for the most accurate information, you’ll want to consult with a local attorney. The following information is not intended to be legal advice, but it represents options available in many states.


The Strongest Legal Protection for Your Pet
Creating a pet trust enables a pet owner to leave their pet to an individual who will be legally obligated to care for the pet. If the caretaker does not follow the pet owner’s wishes, the caretaker can be sued.
With a pet trust, a pet owner can also:

• specify how their pet should be cared for if they become incapacitated before dying
• outline specific instructions for how their pet should be cared for
• leave money for their pet’s care, such as food and vet bills
• appoint an individual to go to court and enforce the terms of the trust if the caretaker fails in their obligation
• specify what should be done with any money left over after the pet passes away.

A pet trust is by far the strongest form of legal protection for the care of a pet after its owner dies. It’s the option that requires the most effort on the pet owner’s part, and it can be expensive. However, there are other options.


Legal, But Without Obligation
In their will, a pet owner can name the individual they want to assume the role of caretaker for their pet. The pet owner can also leave money for the pet’s care. But is the named caretaker legally obligated to care for the pet?
Attorney Marc J. Comer says no, at least in his state of New Jersey. “That person (the named caretaker) must be willing to accept the pet at the appropriate time. The same idea applies to people. You can identify a guardian to raise your child, but that does not obligate that person to accept the role.”

Comer also warns that someone who verbally states their willingness to care for a pet after the owner dies may still end up refusing the pet. “Circumstances of that person’s life may have changed, making it impractical for them to ‘adopt’ the pet,” says Comer.
What happens if an individual is granted a pet in the pet owner’s will, but then after the owner’s death, is unable or unwilling to take on that caretaking role? What happens to the beloved pet? Can the caretaker give the pet away or surrender it to a shelter?

“Not initially,” says Comer. “If the person chooses not to accept the pet, the pet remains in the estate as tangible property and is under control of the executor. However, once someone accepts the pet, then yes, he or she could give it away. If there was a pet trust, the trust funds would follow the animal to its next destination.”

If a pet owner believes that their wishes will be honored by the person to whom they’re willing their pet, this could be a good option.

However, anything can happen, and it’s possible that a named caretaker may not be able to fulfill their promise. That’s why it’s important for pet owners to name a back-up caretaker in their will.


Legally Naming an Organization as Caretaker
If a pet owner finds they have no one to whom they’d entrust the care of their pet, all is not lost. It’s possible for a pet owner to legally will their pet to an organization that specializes in caring for pets whose owners have passed away. Here are a few options. You may also want to contact a local animal rescue for a referral to a program close to home:

• Peace of Mind Dog Rescue
• Pet Peace of Mind
• Hopalong Animal Rescue Pet Survivor Program
• Animal Friends
• 2nd Chance 4 Pets

Planning Without Legal Protection
While making legal arrangements is the safest way for a pet owner to ensure the best care for their pet after they die, there are other, non-legal steps one can take.


If you have a will
It’s important to note that if a pet owner has a will, but leaves no instructions for the care of their pet, the pet will be given to the pet owner’s “residuary beneficiary”. This is the person whom the pet owner names in their will to receive what’s left of their estate after all gifts have been distributed.

Can a pet owner provide instructions for the care of a pet without revising their will? Usually, this can be done by a separate writing. Ask your attorney.
What if the pet owner hasn’t provided instructions for their pet’s care in their will, but they’ve given verbal instructions to their executor?


“Giving oral instructions to the executor does not make those instructions enforceable,” says Comer. “The intent of the testator (the person whose will it is) is demonstrated by what is written in the will, not by what the testator allegedly said. However, if all the parties in interest come to an agreement, the pet can go to the person or organization willing and able to provide the best care.”


If you don’t have a will
If a pet owner dies without leaving a will, all of the pet owner’s property will be distributed according to the laws of their state, through “intestate succession” (more information here). Remember, this includes pets, as pets are considered personal property. The pet owner will have no control over what happens to their pet.

Whether you have a will or not
Here are some smart things a pet owner can do with or without a will:

1. Ask someone you trust to be a temporary caregiver to your pet in case something happens to you. Make arrangements for a back-up, too.
2. Keep contact information for both caregivers in your wallet with a note stating that your pet should be given to them in an emergency.
3. Make sure both of your emergency caregivers know who to contact each other.
4. Make sure your closest family members and friends have contact information for both temporary caregivers.
5. Give each of your emergency caregivers the following:

• Information on any legal arrangements you’ve made for your pet in the event of your death
• Contact information for your vet
• Instructions for feeding, administering medication, and any other important care details
• The names and locations of your pet’s medications
• Keys to your home

We like to say that we’ll love our pets forever. But do we mean their “forever”, or ours?
If our pet’s forever goes on beyond ours, we can ensure that they continue to receive our love even after we’re gone. It takes a little effort, but they’re worth it.

I was told my dog Tillie had three weeks to live, tops. I was devastated. 

She hadn’t always lived with kind people, so I wanted her to go to her final rest knowing what it was to be loved. 

I put my heartache aside and focused on her happiness. 

Being a Labrador retriever, there was nothing – nothing – she loved more than chasing a tennis ball. After learning her days were numbered, I vowed to take her to the park to play every single day. And I did. 

But one day, weather got in the way. 

During a torrential rain storm, I called a local pet training facility and asked if I could rent a room for two hours. I explained why and they were quick to agree. 

While the rain drummed against the windows, Tillie bounded about the wide, gym-like room, lost in the ecstasy only a dog with a ball can know. 

Naturally we want our pet’s last days to be as happy and comfortable as possible.

Here are 5 doting ways you can see your animal friend to the other side.  
But First…
Check with your vet to see what, if anything, could make your pet uncomfortable. For example, long walks or extended play could cause pain, as could certain foods. 

People, Places and Things

1. People. Arrange for your pet to interface with their favorite people and animals: a visit from Grandma, a doggy play date. 
2. Places. Take your pet to their favorite places, like hiking trails, dog parks, and the beach. 
3. Things. Surround your pet with their favorite toys and blankets, and maybe take them to a local pet store to choose a new one. 

No-Holds-Barred Pampering
If there was ever a time to spoil your pet rotten, this is it. 

1. Be a Player. We’re often too busy to play with our pets as much as they’d like. Make fun and games a priority. 
2. Snuggle Up. If your pet is a glutton for affection, pour on the sugar. Give lots of cuddles, belly rubs and back scratches. 
3. World Class Accommodations. We can soften the impact of many ailments with:

• Ramps
• Raised food bowls 
• Pet strollers
• Pee pads and diapers
• Sweaters
• Lift harnesses, slings, and pet wheelchairs
• Compression garments and braces
  
  

As always, ask your vet if these accommodations are right for your pet. 

​Along for the Ride.
If you have a dog who loves being in the car, take them along for the ride as often as possible – and roll the widow down enough for them to stick out that happy head and relish the breeze.

1. Well, Spa-Dee-Da. Pet massage and Reiki (a form of “hands-on” healing) are available to pets. Search locally for a practitioner, or learn how to massage your pet at home. Even under normal circumstances these practices are relaxing, but they can also bring relief to a pet in discomfort or pain. Be sure to get the go-ahead from your vet. 
2. Bedtime Bliss. Amp up the comfy factor in your pet’s bed with added cushions or blankets.  
3. Let’s Eat! As long as your vet hasn’t recommended dietary restrictions for your pet, indulge them in their favorite foods (did somebody say “bacon”?). Just keep in mind that overindulgence can make even a healthy pet feel sick, and some human foods are toxic to animals. 

​We can’t keep them forever, and it stinks. Big time. But we can keep them as comfortable as possible, and even keep them happy through their final days. With every little thing we do, they understand – in their own way – that they are loved.

Grieving pet owners may appreciate words of comfort, but these animal lovers say that some sentiments are more welcome than others.  

When someone’s pet passes away, what should we say? Or maybe the better question is, what shouldn’t we say? 

Ideally, we want our expressions of sympathy to bring real comfort to the grieving pet owner. At the same time, we hope to avoid clumsy condolences that may be inadvertently painful.  

When my Labrador retriever Matilda passed, I was fortunate to have received only kind sentiments from others. I was surrounded by fellow animal lovers who understood that losing a pet is as painful as losing any family member, so I suppose it’s not surprising. 

However, when a friend lost her beloved cat, she posted an unsettling anecdote on Facebook that got me thinking more deeply about pet condolences. Immediately after the burial, her father remarked, “Well, I’m glad it wasn’t my cat.”
Not the most comforting thing to say. 

It prompted me to speak with fellow pet owners who’d lost an animal companion about how others reacted to their bereavement, and how those reactions were received. 

​Some of what they shared went beyond the commonplace “what to say to a grieving pet owner” advice. They showed me that the kindest condolences are mindful of potentially insensitive mis-steps, perhaps as much as (or more than) merely offering pretty words.

The following are their most stand-out pieces of advice:


It's time to Retire the Rainbow Bridge
What is it? 
The identity of the author of Rainbow Bridge – a piece of writing sometimes referred to as “the Rainbow Bridge poem”  – is unclear. The piece begins,
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

The piece goes on to imagine the pet’s afterlife and its eventual spiritual reunion with its owner. 
The Rainbow Bridge story is commonly shared with grieving pet owners by well-meaning friends and family members, and it’s likely been a comfort to some. However, others feel it’s time to put “Rainbow Bridge” to rest.  

What Pet Owners are Saying

• Its time has passed. “The Rainbow Bridge story has been around for a long time. I think anyone who has a pet is familiar with it and doesn’t need it sent to them,” says Maureen W. in Canada. “I like the idea of it, but not when my pet has just died. I find no comfort in it. The number of people who send it staggers me.”

 

• Some people actually dislike it. One writer at Dogster admitted to a dislike of Rainbow Bridge, saying, “I always feel a little ashamed of how uncomfortable the Rainbow Bridge makes me feel, as if I’m admitting a cold-heartedness at the center of my being, or trying to destroy other people’s happiness. I’m not. When others are in grief or distress, I want them to use whatever they have to to get through the day. What I’m asking is that you simply listen when I say that it doesn’t do the same thing for me, and realize that there are others just like me.”
• Let them find it on their own (it’s everywhere). Austin Cannon at DailyPaws points out that, “Each person grieves in their own way, so the rainbow bridge poem might not help someone who's going through immense loss. Use your best judgement when you think about sending the rainbow bridge poem to a friend or family member. It might be best for them to find the poem on their own.”

Celebrate the Individual
Pets have personalities, endearing traits and individual quirks that make them memorable – just like people. 
Many pet owners appreciate condolences that specifically acknowledge the uniqueness of their fur-baby. 

• Personal remembrances and affirmations of particular characteristics make condolences ring sincere. 
• Additionally, most pet owners will likely be touched that their pet was “seen” – that what they loved about their companion was also celebrated by others. 

“If someone said to me, ‘I’m so sorry you lost Daisy, she was such a sweet dog,’ I’d appreciate that because they knew her. They saw her sweetness,” says Patricia F. in New Jersey. “I liked hearing other people share silly stories of their own about my dog. It helped me remember the happy times, not the sad ones.” 

​Veterinary Practices Take Note
Among the pet owners I spoke with, this kind of personal acknowledgment was also appreciated from veterinarians and staff. It could be a simple as using the pet’s name, or recalling a funny anecdote about how the pet behaved in the office, such as being comically friendly with other pets in the waiting room, or having exemplary composure during examinations. 


Respect the Spectrum of Beliefs
Belief systems surrounding death are manifold. Some are connected to religion – and there are upwards of 4,000 different religions in the world. Many people who don’t subscribe to a particular religion consider themselves “spiritual” and have unique opinions about an afterlife, or a lack of one. 
For many, spiritual beliefs are a source of comfort, so it feels natural to speak from that place when someone is grieving. However, we can’t always know when our words might make a mourning pet owner feel uneasy. 

Love is Universal
Given the wide spectrum of beliefs, some pet owners would prefer that messages of sympathy remain focused on a more universal understanding of love and loss, rather than religious sentiment. This issue came up several times in my interviews with pet owners, but it’s seldom talked about.

Stopping to Think
Often we don’t recognize when our words may contain religious undertones. 

• For example, I’ve heard it expressed that a deceased pet had become the owner’s guardian angel, with sentiments like, “He’s watching over you now from Heaven”.
• Caroline G. in Louisiana calls such condolences “trite”. She makes the point, “What if the person spoken to isn’t Christian and doesn’t believe in Heaven or angels?”
• The same might be said of, “She’s in a better place now,” which presumes that the pet owner believes in an afterlife. 

Fortunately, most people understand that our condolences are well-meant, however we express them. But it can’t hurt to cultivate an awareness of where our words come from and how they may be received. 

A Favorite Phrase
Among the pet owners I interviewed, one phrase was a hit across the board: “You gave him a good life.” It keeps the focus away from an afterlife and celebrates the life shared by the pet and its owner. 


Refrain From Sharing Your Story
When a friend is mourning the loss of a pet, we may feel compelled to share our own experience of pet grief. Maybe it’s because we want them to feel less alone with their heartache. However, this approach felt uncomfortable to some of the pet owners I spoke with. 

• It’s not a contest. “They may mean well, but it almost feels like they’re turning it into a competition for whose pet death was more traumatic,” said Joann R. from Pennsylvania.  
• Make space for their feelings. “Don’t tell me how your pet loss story is so much worse than mine,” said Pati G. in New Jersey. “It will make me resentful that I’m not allowed to feel my feelings.”
• It’s about them. Writing for PawCulture, Jeanette Hurt advised, “If your sharing takes the spotlight off the person who’s grieving, don’t share it. Return the focus back to the person who’s grieving, not your own experiences.”

Avoid Discussing a “Replacement Pet”
Everyone’s Different
A bereft pet owner may eventually welcome another animal into their home, but they might not be ready to talk about it. 
“There are no rules when and if you do get another animal,” said Eve M. in Oregon. “For some people the next day is the right day. I don't judge anyone on that.”
People grieve very differently. For some, a new pet can heal the loss of the old one. Others need more time to mourn. 
Kiri B. in New York shared, “I was very, very attached to my cat of seventeen years. After she passed, my boyfriend at the time said the dreaded, ‘You can always get another cat’. That’s the worst thing to say.”
They’re Irreplaceable
Prematurely suggesting to a grieving pet owner that they should get a “replacement pet” can be seen as disrespectful. For some, it hints that the pet who passed was insignificant and easily replaceable. 
Yes, it’s a Big Deal
“The worst is someone minimizing (the loss) in some way, as if animal companions aren’t worthy of full mourning,” says Caroline G. 


Tread Carefully on Social Media
Photos can be painful. “I had a well-meaning friend paste her photos of the dog I was grieving all over my (Facebook) timeline. It wasn’t helpful to me and made it more painful,” shared Dionne W. from Delaware. 

An avalanche of comments may be unwelcome. “I posted my pet’s photo on Facebook and all of the comments were appreciated,” said Maureen W. in Canada. “But I don’t think anyone should post pictures of someone else’s dead pet on Facebook. It’s weird. And if you tag them, their timeline blows up with the comments, and that may not be cool with them.”

Is it support, of “hijacking grief”? Dionne in Delaware made a point similar to Pati’s about sharing another’s grief. “So often people hijack other people’s grief in an attempt to be supporting – whether animal or human. I prefer to grieve quietly, and I find the performative ways of grieving too jarring. I also recognize that others are different and want different things. I think people should do a better job of taking their cues from the bereaved in terms of what is helpful to them.”

Caring Words
    If you’re looking for sensitive condolences to offer either verbally or in a pet bereavement card, here are a few to choose from. Use the pet’s name whenever possible. 

• You gave [name] a good life.
• You and [name] were lucky to have one another.
• I hope your memories of [name] will help ease the pain of his/her loss. 
• Please accept my deepest sympathies for the loss of [name].
• No words can truly heal your heartbreak, but please know that I’m here for you.
• My heart goes out to you for the loss of [name].
• You are fortunate to have known such unconditional love.
• I wish you comfort and peace at this difficult time. 
• I will never forget [name]. I’m so sorry for your loss. 
• Losing a best friend is never easy. I’m sorry for your loss. 
• [Name] is irreplaceable. I’m sorry for your loss.
• I know that losing pet is very difficult. I’m sorry for your loss.
• I know that [name] gave so much joy to your life. I’m sorry for your loss.  

Getting Help 
If you or someone you know would like to process the loss of a beloved animal companion with a counseling professional, the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (APLB) can help. They offer:

• Chat Rooms
• Support Groups
• A list of pet bereavement hotlines

Visit APLB.org.
For legions of animal lovers, pet bereavement is neither easy nor fleeting. However, when our condolences can’t soften the blow of losing a pet, we can sidestep adding insult to injury with our carefully chosen words – and that’s a loving choice indeed.